What Were We Thinking

Lindsay Lohan Star of New Show

This is the stream of thought that went along with our writing of an article about a magic lecture from John Luka.

John Luka is the Head Muckety-Muck in our Pantheon of Magicians and so we were shocked to receive his invitation to learn the secrets of a certain magician’s act.

We knew it wasn’t a lecture by the magician in question – after all, what professional magician actually lectures on tricks he or she performs for a living.

We assumed, therefore, John Luka had crossed over to the Dark Side. Out of our respect for Mr. Luka, we immediately prepared to stick with him like glue or something equally sticky but preferably non-organic. We have no pride but at least we’re shiftless.

But wait, we read more of Mr. Luka’s email note to us and learned we were wrong. We were completely wrong. Mr. Luka hadn’t moved to the Dark Side. We wish we had read his entire email message before we reacted so quickly to abandon our principles and publish an expose of every magic trick we know.

To all of our brethren and cistern in magic, we apologize for exposing your secrets. We take some solace in thinking that our excited writing made the whole 982 page book unreadable or at least unwieldy. Plus, when we get nervous we revert to our first language.

Nonetheless, the book All of the Magic Secrets Ever is currently available on Amazon.Com. One reviewer noted:

I haven’t the slightest idea what the hell this is all about. The scribbling looks like a small black-and-white clown figure drank India Ink and did spit-takes for 900 pages. On the other hand, the index is great.

We recall the old Del Ray bit where he had the small black-and-white clown drink India Ink and perform spit-takes towards the audience each time his master performed a miracle.

Kids today never had a chance to see that kind of magic.  In fact, Del Ray stopped using Inky the Spit-Taking Clown in favor of  his other “cleaner” characters.

But enough history, we just checked and our book has done well in the last twenty minutes since it was published. ABC just picked it up for a new sitcom vehicle for Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff.

They play spit-taking clown-girls shrunk to the size of dog food cans in the hilarious new season of Spittle Spattle.

This comes from the TV Guide preview description of this number one hit show:

Each week, the crazy gals fight and tussle about whom they should spray their magic ink. And that ink is magic alright! It has the power to grant the recipient’s wish – and no fair wishing for three more wishes or a clean shirt!

Wait, hold the phone — but not too close to your head; you’ll get a tumor or a ticket if you’re driving.

We just heard in the last few minutes that ABC optioned the sitcom off to NBC and instead of starring Miss Lohan and Miss Duff.  The blockbuster, big- budget show will now star Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen as identical twin Spit-Take Clowns.

The Daily Variety is already in love with the show.

In their article “Peacock Picks Perky Pair for Spit-Fun,” the industry trade mag tells us “we’ve watched them grow – no sense shrinking them down to dog food can-size,” said unnamed NBC Exec. “Plus, their twins so they never really fight.”

The same undersized NBC exec told Access Hollywood just minutes ago he’s excited about the project.  The syndicated entertainment news show tells viewers, “The NBC version surrounds the identical looking lookers on the lookout for the bird’s eye low-down on the real people who need wishes granted.”  The exec says it is a sure-fire, slam-dunk: “Think Touched by an Angel but with Angelic Looking Gals!”

Wait, hold your horses or tall dogs.

NBC just announced it has dumped the show after one of the Olsen Twins held out for creative control of her own life.  When will these kid actors learn? In Hollywood, no one controls their life; they just manage it and try to stretch it out long enough to get residuals.

NBC’s creative executive said in a prepared statement, “Really twins —  and especially these particular twins  — are old-hat. With so much technology going into the whole pregnancy game, twins aren’t unique any more. Plus one of them was looking kind of  old.”

Hang on to your beanies. There’s breaking news just in.

Fox declares it has snatched the concept and already released the first season’s video highlights  packaged as a special 90-minute gem called When Slap-Stick Clowns Attack!

Fox’ take is a sure-fire winner.  It stars that guy that used to be on the NBC hit show Blossom – he was the recovering alcoholic or gambling addict or both but we don’t remember his name and it wasn’t in the press release from Fox.  It wasn’t the younger brother on Blossom, Joey.  The other one — he was an EMT or something on the show.

A Fox executive spoke with Entertainment Tonight hostess Mary Hart about the new spin on what is already an old concept in Hollywood.

Mary, our research demonstrated that spitting of any manner or in any quantity is not funny — it is dangerous and risky.  Spit carries germs and germs are carried by terrorists.  We cannot abide joking about terrorists.

We see the show as a real-life Survivor but still with twins – just not the Olsen Twins or anyone with an agent.  These unrepresented twin actors  work with the host to pick out bad people, evil doers.

They then do what America wants to see done.  Using a  previously unknown oriental art of Spitake (pronounced “Spit Tak Kee”), they launch the righteous attack.  If all three hit a bad guy, it’s instant death.  If just two hit, they just get some ghastly burns.

If only one hits, they get a new wardrobe and a chance to try again the next week. Frankly, it’s fun for the whole family and really brings family values back to television – bad must be punished but we can’t be vigilantes about it.

Things in Hollywood happen fast and for apparently no reason.

Fox decided it wasn’t “spicy” enough for their audience. We just read on the AP Entertainment Wire that the real reason Fox dumped the show and concept.  According to an insider, “The focus groups complained that because the twins they hired for the pilots were Siamese Twins attached at the tongue, it wasn’t really fair. If one of the twins spit, the other one would have to as well and that means everyone hated by the conjoined gals got at least burned pretty bad.”

Another source said, “No one wants eat dinner while watching Siamese Twins joined at the mouth or cheek or tongue spitting on contestants.”

Well, we guess it was short-lived and everyone’s secret is safe.

Wait, our agent just phoned with great news. The story was sold by Fox to a small theatrical group in Ogden, Utah.

They’ve developed a mini-opera that considers the internal motivations of “Spittina” (that’s their name for the Spit-Take Clown). We don’t know if Spittina will be dog-food can-sized or regular sized but it sounds like she’ll be alone with no twin attached or otherwise.

The opera opens this week and looks to be on Broadway before the end of the month. The score is to be written by Albert Floyd Weber – a distant cousin of Andrew Lloyd Weber of Cats and Phantom fame.

Mr. Weber like his more famous and shorter cousin Andrew Lloyd does the music and not the lyrics of his shows.  He signed on one of the best in the business to put words to his music.

My Weekly Reader reports on their “Gossip & Grins” page, the Ogden Mini-Opera Company signed Tony Orlando of Tony Orlando and Dawn to write the libretto. This is Mr. Orlando’s first lyrical project since “Knock-Three Times (on the Ceiling if You Want Me)” and “Tie a Yellow Ribbon.”

The producers say they could think of no better choice for the job. “We love Tony Orlando with or without Dawn.”

Mr. Orlando just released a statement denying a report in the UK’s Sun tabloid that Dawn were actually twins at one time but grew out of the relationship over professional differences. “Those girls were never twins. Ever. They were different heights, had different last names and everything. This is what ruins the work of truly talented artists!”

So, that’s where it sits.

We’re looking forward to the bootleg we just ordered of the movie version. Sure the film hasn’t even begun filming but the People’s Republic of China has the full-screen version (including a director’s cut and actor commentary) on DVD available for $3.75 plus postage.

We’ll watch it tonight and get it on eBay by the morning.

Time freakin fugit, eh?

We’ll write back to Mr. Luka and thank him for the trip through the insanity that is our fantasy of life in Hollywood.

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.