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Letters to the Editor: Church of Inside Magic®

Inside Magic Image of Kind BenefactorIt is the policy of Inside Magic to publish letters to the editor when necessary to fill gaps in our front page or when required by court order. Letters to the editor should be addressed to, ironically, editor@insidemagic.com. Inside Magic reserves the right to modify, shorten, lengthen or completely change the sent correspondence and, if necessary, include funny pictures to take away from the seriousness of same.

My Lordship:

Greetings in the name of our Lord, I am (Mrs) *** ******, a widow to Late ****, I am 34 years old, I am now a new religious convert … My late husband was killed with his business associate and during the period of our marriage we couldn’t produce any child.

My late husband was very wealthy and after his death, I inherited all his business and wealth. I now decided to divide part of this wealth, to contribute to the development of the church in Asia, Africa, America and Europe.

I selected your church after visiting the website and I prayed over it, I am willing to donate the sum of US$5,000 000.00 (Five Million US Dollars) to your Church for the development of your church and also for the less privileged.

Please, do not reply me if you have the intention of using this fund for personal use. Please If I reach you as I am hopeful I will, endeavor to get back to me as soon as possible to enable my LAWYER conclude the legal duty.

Also to be sent to me is the biodata page of your international passport or drivers licence as a proper identification.

You can reach me on my alternative email box easily: mrs.***@yahoo.com

I await your soonest reply as you could.

Inside Magic’s Reply:

Dear Mrs. *****:

Although we did not know your husband all that well – in fact, we barely remember him from our days in your home community but that is no doubt the regrettable effect of our weeks of hard work and tireless efforts to do noble things in that strange land he called home – we are happy to accept your offer of $5,000,000.00 for our yet to be formed Church. (We will start the forming as soon as your funds arrive, don’t you worry your little head about that).

We certainly agree that the funds should not be used for our personal vanities but dedicated exclusively to The Church of Inside Magic® and its dedicated staff of very pious clergy; with a special emphasis on improving the lives of those who would travel so far to worship at our yet to be built gold and ivory altar.

As you know, The Church of Inside Magic® emphasizes the inner-being and eschews those in this sad epoch who worship the outer, false entities. Consequently, you are no doubt aware we do not permit our clergy or the lay ministry to carry any form of identification including a drivers’ license (or licensce) and certainly would never allow our images to be captured for the purpose of recordation through the alleged “passport” system foisted upon the clueless masses as a means of emphasizing the outer, shell of humanness to the detriment of the inner soul of personness.

We suspect your request that we send our drivers’ license (or licence) and international passport was merely a test to see if we were indeed true to our faith. We were and remain so.

Having now passed that test, we look forward to receiving the funds as soon as possible so that we are able to begin the important work of making a proper hostel for the expected throngs of worshippers to our soon to be constructed gold and ivory and onyx altar situated in the very center of the appropriately adorned temple of The Church of Inside Magic®. The temple – as we discussed with your late husband (and, coincidentally, our first saint) – will be ensconced within a hotel / casino on the current location of the Riviera Resort in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Future Home of The Church of Inside Magic Temple and CasinoGranted, $5,000,000.00 is not sufficient to buy the land upon which this holy refuge from the trite and impersonal will stand but we are confident you will provide the additional funds to complete your husband’s work.

We recall – now that we think about it more – that your husband once commented, “You know, if I ever die, I want you to have the feds check out my wife. She has been scheming something with my unnamed business associate and I am pretty sure she will try to bump me off for my money. Heck, she’ll probably kill the unnamed business associate while she is at it – you know, make sure there are no witnesses.”

We didn’t believe it and thought your hubby was joking – you know how he would joke.

We told him, “Yeah, sure. Don’t worry. We’ll keep an eye on her for you but do you really think she’s plotting with your unnamed business associate to kill you? She seems to love you and sure she only married you after you struck it rich by accidentally finding uranium ore under your back porch but why do you think she would murder you for money?”

He agreed it was a crazy, paranoid thought and we let it go.

Fast forward to this morning when we received your email.

At first, we thought it was some sort of scam because we didn’t recognize your married name immediately but when you mentioned your late husband and the same unnamed business associate, we got antsy.

Our friends at the CIA did some quick checking for us and assured us that your husband was likely not murdered but died of natural causes – he apparently choked on some forest creature that had crawled into his mouth while sleeping in a pup tent in the backyard. That is to say, your husband was sleeping and the forest critter crawled into your husband’s open mouth whereupon he choked on the fist-sized mammal – not that the animal was sleep walking and somehow journeyed in his somnambulistic state into your husband’s mouth to die.

(By the way, we also received a note similar to yours from the widow of the forest creature offering to send us half a metric ton of acorns along with shelled and brightly polished horse chestnuts. She did not require us to send our drivers’ license (or licence) or passport details).

We are convinced your love and devotion for your late husband is sincere and commend your willingness to dedicate all of his funds to our worthy project. The altar will feature a statuette of your dearly departed made from the choicest, highly-polished acorns and horse chestnuts culled from the soon to be received shipment from the recently widowed forest spouse. We believe this tribute to both husbands of our largest contributors and most important patrons will be a fitting tribute to their lives and untimely deaths.

To begin the process of transferring the money to us, please use the handy donation form we have established through the very spiritual PayPal service. Once the transaction is complete, we will immediately commence work on our project of great spiritual importance. We will fly to Las Vegas and begin our purchase of the Riviera resort and casino and simultaneously post requests for bids to design and create the statuette from the best of the best highly-polished nuts we expect to receive soon.

Of course, we will keep you apprised of the progress and always in our prayers.

We are chagrined to even mention that if we do not receive the funds as promised, we will assume your husband was not joking when he warned us about you.

We will of course need to turn over the information we possess (and, if necessary, can easily create) to the proper authorities to begin an investigation into his untimely death and the associated cruelty to a beloved woodland creature. To be candid, we are the only thing standing between you and a criminal investigation by INTERPOL and PETA. Not a threat, just an observation. We look forward to your payment via PayPal at your earliest convenience.

Very truly yours,

 

Your Lordship, Us.

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