When required by court order or self-interest, Inside Magic posts questions from readers and our responses. If you have a question or comment for Inside Magic, please send it to email@example.com.
Dear Mr. Medico:
I want to make money reading Terrets cards and am looking four a good books to red. What do you sugest?
Dear Mr. Amazing:
Actually, from the salutation “Mr. Medico” and the question about “Terrets cards,” we think you may have intended to ask your question of the webmd.com doctor panel.
The Tourette Syndrome Show hasn’t been performed for years. The last practitioner of the thankfully dead routine was the amoral and incapable Tony Spain.
And even Tony no longer performs any tricks involving or utilizing the unfortunate neurological syndrome known as Tourette syndrome.
In fact, Tony wrote to his parole officer last year that he no longer performs his profitable but offensive hour-long school assembly show; “showcasing different neurological and psychiatric maladies while entertaining kids and teachers alike with witty asides and magic.”
Apparently the foul mouthed and bad breathed Mr. Spain came to understand the plight of the afflicted or his bookings dried up. We’re guessing it was the latter.
You can still find YouTube videos with his rendition of FRESH FISH SOLD HERE TODAY foisted upon the frail self-image of a stutterer or Tourette syndrome victim, forced to read into the nicotine streaked microphone whilst facing his or her classmates.
If we are not mistaken, you could buy the whole routine with props and script on Tony’s website for $200.00 a while back. We don’t know if anyone took him up on this offer but our belief in human nature gives us reason to hope that era in Magic is gone.
Dear Insidious Magic:
How come you never publish any of the letters I send to you?
Because they are usually wrong.
You know that trick where the magician has three ropes and they are all the same length and then he makes them different lengths with one short and one long and one medium and then he makes them back to the same length so the short one is longer and the long one is shorter and the medium one stays the same?
Good to hear from you again. We think the trick to which you are referring in your single sentence is The Professor’s Nightmare. It is a classic of magic and actually is performed exactly opposite of how you have described it. But that is okay, it is tough to keep up with some of the fast-paced magicians performing today.
So, to answer your question; yes we do know that trick and like it a lot. Was there anything else you wanted to know about it? Or perhaps something else we could answer, like “how does one use a period or a comma when one is writing?” Or maybe, “how can someone remember a trick with a plot as complex as The Professor’s Nightmare?” You have our address so please feel free to write whenever the need arises.
Dear Man of Mystery:
Where were you last week? You said you were going to stop by but then you didn’t. I waited for five hours and you never showed.
Yes, I know I am supposed to be dutiful and patient but there comes a point where I worry I am squandering the best years of my life waiting for you to get the nerve to do the right thing and come to your senses.
I will wait for you this week but after this, no longer. If you don’t show up by the end of this year, I will quit you like a bad habit. I mean it this time.
Seriously. You have until the end of next year and that’s it.
There are plenty of others interested in me and they tell me I’m a fool to wait for you to make up your mind. And don’t give me that excuse about not being on tour anymore. You are playing in the Masters next week, so you can stop on your way to Georgia.
To show how serious I am, I am copying this letter to some idiot that runs a magic website and I hope he posts it for the whole world to see.
You’ll be sorry if you don’t come to your senses. I know that tens of people read his site every month and the word will get out that the great golfer and hero is a heel.
Okay, no more threats. I’m done this time.
Love and Kisses Forever No Matter What,
We will have you know that Inside Magic is read by more people than we can count or could count if we had finished our schooling before dropping out to become a professional Teddy Ruxpin demonstrator in malls across this great land.
But we need not be so defensive. We read a certain sense of co-dependency between your strident lines of prose. We don’t know the identity of your beau but he sounds like a loser. We have noticed that golfers seem to be selfish and gone a lot. In that way, they are the complete opposite of magicians. We are around the house constantly. We love to shop at crafts stores and go through your things to find the next great gimmick. We will constantly admire your figure and even guess your weight and ability to fit on different types of platforms or within boxes of various dimensions.
You will never meet a person so willing to have you try on different clothes and change them constantly – in front of people. We will be the first to give you a boost if you need it; a nap on a comfy couch under a light satin sheet; or a chance to mingle with audience members and learn intimate details about their dead loved ones.
Dump the golfer and find your co-dependent bliss with someone who will dote on you, watch your diet, let strange men shackle you to things, and maybe even say your name once or twice in a semi-sweet stage whisper as panels slam around you.
The Staff of Inside Magic (All of Us and Forever)