Inside Magic Letters to Editor Answered

As required under the new California Conjurers and Variety Artists Correspondence Act of 2019, Inside Magic will publish appropriate letters to the editor on a periodic (but not less than, as required by the CCVACA “once every once in a while”) basis. 

Today is just such an every once in a while.

We welcome your letters in any form or language.

 

Dear Ed.

The last two articles you wrote, “Houdini Passes” and “Thurston to End Railroad Travel” have both been downers.  Why not write the funny stuff you used to write like “Cups-N-Balls? We thought you said ‘Cubs-n-Falls!’” or “Pharoh’s Funnies Discovered in Hieroglyphics.”  Those were truly funny posts.  The pictures were even funny with the little bear cubs slipping on ice wearing magician top hats.

Ishmael (call me “Ishmael”)

Dear  Ishmael:

From the condition of the envelope in which we received your missive, it is apparent that your letter was quite old.  First, it was in an envelope; second, it was written on parchment with a whale bone or ivory pen; third, it was sent as a message in a bottle.

Inside Magic has gone through changes since the early whaling days in the Colonies. Yes, we used to be funnier: poking fun at King George III; laughing about the poor quality of silver Cups-N-Balls sets produced by the Revere shop in Boston; as well as making mirth about the discovery of Oxygen as a needed gas for life and that discovery’s use in animal balloons – then made of leather.

But we became more serious after the battle for independence from England, the Civil War and the Great Depression.  See, “Brother Can You Spare a Penny & Dime Trick?” or “Entertaining in Soup Lines – a New Market Opportunity?”

We livened up – for the troops – in WWI and WWII times and even had Atomic-based humor during the Cold War.  See, “GI Wow!” and “Pulling Mammals from Your Helmet.”

Since entering the Internet Age, we have tried to stay consistently funny.  Sometimes succeeding and sometimes failing but still trying.

We hope if you are still alive, you have caught up on the latest jokey Inside Magic and found favor in your now antiquated and whale blubber cholesterol coated heart for this web site.

Dear Editor Tim:

You said you were going to review that trick where the bird crosses its heart and then the chosen card appears?  What’s the story with that?

Laurence

 

Dear Laurence:

Thank you for writing us daily (and sometimes more than daily) to ask about things we have promised (or in your belief have promised to do).

We have a special rule on our computer’s email system just for your well-considered, often multi-paged and illustrated emails in which you point out our failings, errors in speling and grammer that’s badder than you expect.

We also appreciate your sign-offs with quotes you attribute to Elvis Presley; even though we question the provenance of the quotes.  For instance, we doubt Elvis ever claimed “Celion Dione” had “the best voice ever,” or that “Santa’s elves should form an onion (sic),” or “Magic is like what mystery would look like if you squinted.”

We agree that Elvis had strong feelings about working conditions of the common man but doubt he ever opined on Santa’s elves.  Additionally, it was common knowledge that Elvis was referring to the sun when he talked about “squinting” and describing what not to do in a total eclipse.

We will have a full review in an upcoming post.  No need to ask us when or how many dogs we have ever owned, or why we think we have a right to write.  Those have already been asked in your earlier emails and are noted.

Dear Darling Timmy:

Do you like baked goods?  Can I bring you some?  I make good bake goods for you to eat and you will like them.  See the baked good I can make by clicking here: [Link Omitted]

Witth oven fresh love,

Alexandria (Your Pasty Chef)

Dear Alexandria:

Whilst we love baked goods as much as the next guy – and we are currently alone as we write this response – we fear that your email is just another phishing scam to get personal information about our eating habits.

We received essentially the same email from no less (and no more) than 17 writers.

Each had a similar link and each were in our Google Spam drive.  Each came from a .RU address and each suggested we click the link to see what types of baked goods you could offer.

After clicking 16 of the links in the emails before you, we came to the conclusion that this was not a bona fide offer to bring us baked goods but to introduce us to putative wives from another country, likely Russia.

We wrote a note in the comment section on the web page, just below where we were required to enter our social security number, address, phone number and valid credit card number.

We hesitated to provide our mother’s maiden name but did so in the interest of completeness – ironically, her maiden name was “Completeness.”  She was from the proud line of Celtic peoples who named their children after positive attributes.  There was and still is no crime in that.  We suspect, however, that there may be crime in what you and your friends, Martina, Mala, Andrea, Ishna, Anatova, Natalia (twice), Sasha, Tiana, Zoya and Alena are doing.

If you have letters for the editor of Inside Magic, please send them to editor@insidemagic.com

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