Letters to Inside MagicInside MagicMagic News Updated Daily for the Professional Magician

The first email is from a young magician in Shelby, Tennessee:

Tom:

How do you know the news so quickly? How do you find out about some magician doing some walk around restaurant gig in a Denny’s in Taipei on alternate Sundays? Do people send you the news or do you comb the web or what?

Signed,

"If this buggy’s rocking, call 911. I’m alone in here."

Dear Lonesome Buggy Boy:

First of all, the name is Tim. Second
of all, just because some magician hasn’t made it to Vegas yet, and is
still doing what we do at the Ordinary Magician Stratum, doesn’t mean
you can make fun of him/her/us/me. I read a poll
the other day in MagicData that said, 97.2 percent of all magicians who
actually make a living from their work, "are working in restaurants,
bars or doing parties." I thought that was a high statistic so I called Irwin Sines at MagicData and he told me it was a real stat. Apparently
there is a big drop off in the figures when you go from magicians
working for a living by doing magic and magicians doing magic for pay
(every once in a while) but not living on the wages.

I
learn about the magicians covered here by either combing the Internet
or receiving press releases or notes from magicians around the world. The
magician you referred to in your email, was actually not doing
table-hopping at Denny’s in Taipei but was doing Hippity Hop Rabbits
that he bought from Denny and Lee’s Magic Shop with a toupee. I think you need a new web browser or something. Maybe that’s why you got my name wrong.

The second letter is from someone in an unidentified location:

Hi:

Are
you embarrassed by what women think of you? Do you wish you could
please them even more than they’ve ever dreamed? Have you given up on
being a real man . . .

Dear Unidentified Emailer:

I assume you are either my first or second wife. I
doubt you are my common law wife from the former Dutch Republic of
Southern Vimgav ? as she does not read and write in English.

I don’t know what your inquiry has to do with magic or the furtherance of the magical arts to which we are dedicated. I
did click the link you suggested in the email to see if your site would
be appropriate for the Inside Magic Links of Fame and while the
Quicktime video does show women in various states of apparent
astonishment, I don’t know that it qualifies as magic. I
think the last portion of the video may show something to do with
Balloon Sculpting but I’m not sure if it really is a balloon and I
don’t know what animal it was supposed to be.

The third email comes from another unidentified person in an unidentified place:

Dear Tim:

Do
you need Vicadin and Viagra but don’t want to talk to a doctor? Would
you like our doctor to not only prescribe these drugs for you and send
them to you by express mail anywhere in the United States? How about a free sample pack of both just for responding?

Signed,

On-Line Pharmacy.com

Dear On-Line:

I
can’t imagine that you think I would need both Viagra and Vicadin at
the same time for any reason other than a really bad (or good) weekend. I don’t know that either delivers the type of magic that our site serves up every day. My
guess is that this is a mistakenly sent email and even though you got
my name right, you meant to send it to some other poor guy ? perhaps
the intended recipient of the second email ? who has pain and despair
but is too ashamed to visit his local doctor to discuss the issues.

My
father, Li’l Tom Hardy, America’s Foremost Psychic Entertainer, used to
order his pharmaceuticals by mail from a small doctor in a small town
outside of Oslo. He had needs ? as he would tell
the court later ? and found tht many of the regular docs in his town
were neither small nor willing to offer him unfettered access to drugs
on a yearly basis. I really think it would have
been helpful for him to visit a local doc to get the drugs that he and
the local doc agreed he needed.

As
it turned out, he wasn’t ordering narcotics or anything really bad but
his teeth were perpetually orange from the knock-off chewable vitamins
he received. He tried to work the orange teeth
into his act with an adaptation of the Bill in Orange trick where the
bill would end up wedged between his incisor and bicuspid. This didn’t really take off and it scared children.

The fourth and last email is from a magician in Taipei:

Tim:

What’s with the ragging on Taipei Table Hoppers? We’re
doing our bit just like the rest of the world and it really chesses me
off to read about how I’m not supposed to work or get the notireity
that only Inside Magic can provide because some weenie in Tennessee
thinks that I can’t be included with the great magicians that play
Vegas.

Also, where can I get Vicadin and Viagra in one easy to swallow capsule? I
was trying to improve myself to impress women and hurt myself in a way
that is to embarrassing to discuss with a doctor ? although I don’t
mind sharing it with the world if it will get me bookings. I
was watching my free PPV television with a secret spy card that allowed
me to see all channels everywhere for free and browsing the webcam
network to meet sincere single women who happened to want to be on
world-wide television while doing daily activities with little or no
clothing and who wanted to charge me money to watch them do the daily
activities.

In
other words, I was just minding my own business and violating the
copyrights of channels that were on DirecTV while taking drugs that
were supposed to make me something I thought I should be to meet people
who would judge me by the same standards as someone who didn’t sign
their name on an email I received looking to meet my future wife from a
population of people that would charge me $29.95 per month (but cheaper
if you buy it on a yearly basis) to watch them iron clothes and stuff
or sleep.

And then it happened.

My mother always said, "if you slow dance with fire, you’ll singe your pants."

That is so true. I’ve learned my lesson. I want my old self back.

I
want to pull myself from the mire of the Internet and return to the
land of the living where people actually know my name and hate me, not
because of my inadequacies as gleaned apparently from my IP address,
but because I deserve to be hated or loved.

I
figure if I could get the Vicadin and Viagra capsule, I could pull
myself from this horrible mess and get back on the right track.

Can you help?

Signed:

"My Credit Card Needs Viagra Too"

Dear Credit Card Voyeur Freaky Table Hoppy Taipei Boy:

First, I don’t think the guy from Shelby, Tennessee was "ragging" on you. You might be paranoid. He was attacking any magician that table hops in Taipei. So draw the circle of interest to something a little bigger than your own ego and let go of it. There must be tons of table hoppers in Taipei working at the Dennys on alternate Sundays ? or not.

Anyway, I think Paul McCartney said it best in his song "Medicine Jar" on the Wings Over America Double Live Album: "Hey, you won’t get far if you keep on puttin’ your head in a medicine jar."

So true.

Drugs are not the answer. They’re the question. Why do you need them? Why do you need to impress women you don’t know with a credit limit that you shift from card to card? Why on earth would you steal DirecTV if you live in Taipei? You
can get the national network that has all of the cool channels anyway ?
except Show Time West Number Two, but that’s overrated. (They are still showing "Jingle All The Way" with Arnold, Tom Arnold and Sinbad every other night).

Men and women want the same thing. They look for honesty, sincerity and caring. They both want openness and vulnerability. They
don’t look for someone with enough money to pay to watch them sleep or
hang up clothes that probably didn’t need to be washed anyway.

So the sooner you learn to fake the honesty, sincerity and caring image, the better off you will be. But
that takes a ton of acting ability and you won’t be able to act
vulnerable and caring if you are high on drugs or glued to your webcam.

Honesty,
my table hoppin’ pal, is not just a good policy; it’s something to be
imitated and used to find other people who are just as disingenuous and
that is what makes the Internet so wonderful. Don’t waste your time wasting your time on the Internet by wasting your brain.