Magic Stories

Letters to the Editor – Corrections
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It is the policy of Quinlan’s Inside Magic to correct errors or omissions within 22 months of the alleged error or omission’s original publication unless to do so earlier would: 1) enhance our reputation; 2) prevent litigation by some money-hungry coven of lawyers bent on destroying a free press for one-third of the recovery plus costs; 3) be funny; or 4) fill undesirable empty space on the web site.

From time to time and as necessary or required by the applicable laws of the jurisdictions in which this journal is published, Quinlan’s Inside Magic will publish letters to the editor with appropriate responses.

All letters must conform to the requirements of the most recent rules for message transmission as published by Quinlan’s Inside Magic’s current “sponsor,” the Michigan State Penal Institution at Jackson, Michigan.

Corrections:

In a Quinlan’s Inside Magic print edition prior to 1940, we erroneously published the word “not” in connection with a non-magic related story.

 We regret the error and extend our congratulations, albeit belatedly, to Mr. Charles Lindberg on his record-setting flight.  

We apologize for any confusion or concern we may have caused his family or fans by inserting the word “not” in the lead sentence of our Non-Magic Bulletin.

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In our most recent electronic book of magic published with the title Meet Hot New Friends on the Internet Tonight with Cool Magic Tricks as Seen on TV  and under our pen-name “an_secret_admirer@jackson.bop.states.mich.gov” we erroneously included instructions from one of our non-magic mass mailings as the secret to the “David Blaine Levitation.”

The instructions provided should have been included in our e-book, Be A Zesty, Macho, Man for Your Special Lady or any Lady Tonight. 

While we cannot provide refunds to those who received the wrong instructions, nor compensate individuals for injuries or embarrassment as a direct result of following the wrong instructions to “levitate” or “rise,” we do truly regret the error.

A simultaneous correction has been sent to those who bought the Be a Zesty, Macho, Man for Your Special Lady or Any Lady Tonight e-book with our apology for any injury or embarrassment sustained by wearing any “specially designed shoes in any intimate scenario.” 

As correctly noted by magic historians and the American Academy of Urological Surgeons, Ed Balducci never intended for his effect to be performed as described nor should any individual attempt such a levitation without first receiving a medical clearance from a family doctor. 

Please also note the effect as described is not angle-proof and cannot be performed surrounded.

We regret the error.  Please do not send videos of your embarrassing moment(s).

Letters to Editor:

Dear Sirs:

Are your letters to the editor real? 

My friend says you make them up to be funny.  I say that’s not true because they’re not funny…

Write Us Today!

It is the policy of Quinlan’s Inside Magic to correct errors or omissions within 22 months of the alleged error or omission’s original publication unless to do so earlier would: 1) enhance our reputation; 2) prevent litigation by some money-hungry coven of lawyers bent on destroying a free press for one-third of the recovery plus costs; 3) be funny; or 4) fill undesirable empty space on the web site.

From time to time and as necessary or required by the applicable laws of the jurisdictions in which this journal is published, Quinlan’s Inside Magic will publish letters to the editor with appropriate responses.

All letters must conform to the requirements of the most recent rules for message transmission as published by Quinlan’s Inside Magic’s current “sponsor,” the Michigan State Penal Institution at Jackson, Michigan.

Corrections:

In a Quinlan’s Inside Magic print edition prior to 1940, we erroneously published the word “not” in connection with a non-magic related story.

 We regret the error and extend our congratulations, albeit belatedly, to Mr. Charles Lindberg on his record-setting flight.  

We apologize for any confusion or concern we may have caused his family or fans by inserting the word “not” in the lead sentence of our Non-Magic Bulletin.

##

In our most recent electronic book of magic published with the title Meet Hot New Friends on the Internet Tonight with Cool Magic Tricks as Seen on TV  and under our pen-name “an_secret_admirer@jackson.bop.states.mich.gov” we erroneously included instructions from one of our non-magic mass mailings as the secret to the “David Blaine Levitation.”

The instructions provided should have been included in our e-book, Be A Zesty, Macho, Man for Your Special Lady or any Lady Tonight. 

While we cannot provide refunds to those who received the wrong instructions, nor compensate individuals for injuries or embarrassment as a direct result of following the wrong instructions to “levitate” or “rise,” we do truly regret the error.

A simultaneous correction has been sent to those who bought the Be a Zesty, Macho, Man for Your Special Lady or Any Lady Tonight e-book with our apology for any injury or embarrassment sustained by wearing any “specially designed shoes in any intimate scenario.” 

As correctly noted by magic historians and the American Academy of Urological Surgeons, Ed Balducci never intended for his effect to be performed as described nor should any individual attempt such a levitation without first receiving a medical clearance from a family doctor. 

Please also note the effect as described is not angle-proof and cannot be performed surrounded.

We regret the error.  Please do not send videos of your embarrassing moment(s).

Letters to Editor:

Dear Sirs:

Are your letters to the editor real? 

My friend says you make them up to be funny.  I say that’s not true because they’re not funny so they must be real.

F. Flintstone, Bedrock

    Dear Mr. Flintstone:

Your friend is half-right.

If the letter is funny, we made it up.  If it is not funny, it is real.  For instance, your letter is not real but designed to use the initials “F. Flintstone.”  We hope you find this to be funny.  If not, your letter is real.

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Dear Sirs:

How did Criss Angel perform his flying over the canyon with the hooks in his back trick?  Can I buy that from you?

Can I make it myself?

Even if I didn’t have a helicopter to lift me, couldn’t I just hang from the ceiling during my close-up routine or kid’s show?

    – Anita MacGuineas, Lima, OH

    

Dear Ms. MacGuineas:

First, as noted in the warnings for Mr. Angel’s show, the effects Mr. Angel performs are not to be attempted at home.

We suggest, therefore, performing the hooks in your back trick in any home — not just your home — would be contrary to this admonition.  We believe, however, you could perform the effect outdoors.  Perhaps you could have the kids hoist you up on a clothesline or tree branch like a pi?ata. 

Second, we do not condone the blatant ripping-off of magic secrets.  Mr. Angel and his staff worked for years to perfect the illusion you saw on the show or may have seen during his very successful Broadway performances.

It would be wrong to “give away” that secret.

You may, however, be interested in our most recent article published in the cross-discipline journal Trout Fishing and Conjuring Monthly, “Turn a Bad Casting into a Clever Performance Piece: What to Do When You Hook a ‘Big One’ on Land or in the Boat.” 

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Dear Sirs:

How do I escape from the emotional restraints placed upon me by my ex-girlfriend?

– Lawrence Fick, Lima, Ohio

Dear Mr. Fick:

One of the best ways to “escape” from any restraint is to use what we in business call “a pick” or “a gimmick.”

In the case of an “emotional restraint,” we think the best way is to meet someone new.  

We know a young woman in your very town looking for an assistant to help her with a new magic trick she hopes to perform for kids.  If you are handy with fishing tackle and pulleys, you two may make a perfect “Love Connection.”  Let us know, we’ll hook you up.

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Dear Sirs:

My friends and I love your web sites and the daily newsletter.  We are a group of monkeys randomly typing letters on paper in the hope we will eventually compose literature equivalent to that produced by Shakespeare.  So far, we find our results to be disappointingly dull and clich?.

 Some trainers have suggested we write for Quinlan’s Inside Magic or Today’s Magic News until our skills improve.  Do you have any openings?

– Chi-Chi, Lincoln Park Zoological Gardens, Chicago, IL

Dear Chi-Chi:

We are so honored you would take time out of your random and mindless pounding on a keyboard to drop us a note. 

While we do not have any need for randomly-typed articles on Quinlan’s Inside Magic or Today’s Magic News at the present time, we do have another site for which articles are sought.  Check out our non-magic sites Monkey Love Notes (www.monkeylovenotes.com) and Flung Monkey Love (www.flungmonkeylove.biz). 

Both offer new monkey authors a chance to audition in the genre. 

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Dear Sirs:

Why do you say at the bottom of every email you send out as part of the Today’s Magic Newsletter, “If you’d like to unsubscribe, click here?” but when I click there, I’m taken to some web site where a monkey is wearing lipstick and a little sailor’s uniform holding a box of Valentines’ Day Candy?

No matter how hard I try to unsubscribe, I keep getting re-directed to this weird site. 

It’s not always a sailor’s uniform.  Sometimes the lipstick wearing monkey is wearing a three-piece suit and holding a bouquet of flowers; or dressed like a Spanish Flamenco dancer. 

What gives? 

And why are they always cross-dressing? Why would they have lipstick if they were sailors, businessmen, or dancers?

Also, do you have any tricks where you can make a monkey float or get lifted up by hooks in his/her back?  Do you have any contact information for that one monkey who was dressed as a Hollywood Talent Agent?

-Ben Veniste, Washington, DC

Dear Mr. Veniste:

Our monkeys do not cross-dress.  We do use make-up on the creatures to enhance their on-line images.  Wake-up and smell the coffee, sir.

This is the 20th century after all. 

Girl monkeys can be sailors, business persons, talent agents, or dancers.  It is time you get your head out of the stereotypes of the past and see today’s modern, monkey for what he or she is and not what you think they should be. 

We never provide contact details for any of our monkey models.  We respect their needs for privacy.

We do however have another web site you may find interesting, “Meet Monkey Models for Monkey Lovin’ Tonight!” (www.monkeydatinggame.info).  

You can talk with actual monkeys who take time from their very busy government sponsored project in philosophical studies and typing, to meet-up with lonely friends for email correspondence and picture exchange.  You can pay the $14.85 monthly charge (recurring) with your credit card or check-by-phone.

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Dear Sirs:

I tried that trick with the fish hooks and got pretty high up in the tree but the branch broke and I landed on the birthday girl.  Her mother was mad and won’t pay me my fee for the show.

What should I do? 

Plus, do I need to get a tetanus shot if I got icing on the hooks when I fell?

– Anita MacGuineas, Lima, OH

Dear Ms. MacGuineas:

First, we are not medical professionals and cannot advise on the need for a tetanus booster shot.  While sugar and food coloring is used as an antiseptic in some countries, we cannot provide an opinion whether the icing used in your situation would meet the high quality standards of surgical-grade icing or filling. 

We always advise getting your money in advance when dealing with moms and kids in a birthday party situation.  Moms notoriously try to cheat performers out of their fees by finding something flaw in the performance to get out of paying. 

One kids performer we know won’t even do dangerous stunts like the flesh hooks, bullet catch, razor blade eating, or billiard ball regurgitation without at least half the fee in advance.  His advice, “Never trust moms or monkeys ambiguously dressed like moms in a cute little apron and hair in curlers.”

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