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Paw’s Mouth

We had an editors? meeting last night at the famous Murphy?s Magic Buffet. We hadn?t been there in a while.

Murph just got his license back after that unfortunate ptomaine incident and it is a credit to the youth of today that the junior high school kids did not sue or even make a big deal out of their prolonged sickness.

By the way, it is well-known in the world of restaurants that the best time to visit a restaurant isright after a major bacterial exposure. Chances are that unless the local authorities are paid-off, the place couldn?t re-open without the once and twice over by the food cops.

I mention Murphy?s Magic Buffet because it is one of the few places left in the Greater Mystic Hollow area of Michigan where a family of five can eat, have great wines and hard liquor, and see outstanding close-up magic while they are getting their food.

In keeping with the buffet theme, Murph has set up ?Magic Stations? where you take your freshly dished food and watch a trick or two while you await some of the carved meat or freshly scooped ice milk. It was the kind of genius idea that brought the crowds to Murphy?s and brought him instant cash-oriented success. He takes no credit cards or checks and provides no receipts for payment. You walk in the front door and are greeted by one of Murph?s Missus ? one of Murphy?s five former wives who not only direct you to your seat but are able to watch closely the amount you pay Murph for your meal.

…

Paw’s Mouth

We had an editors? meeting last night at the famous Murphy?s Magic Buffet. We hadn?t been there in a while.

Anyway, we were at the carving station and someone, I forget who, maybe Paw Lawton, said ?We need to energize the website.?

?Amen,? said Missy ? freshly returned from her ?vacation? from the website and now apparently willing to walk past the bar without shaking.

?Why don?t we have the readers try to name the mascot?? asked Paw.

Missy, Kathleen Lakeland and I all looked at the old man in disgust.

?What?? he asked as he nodded for the bartender to get his usual ready.

?Do you not look at the website, you old fool?? Kathleen asked with kind of a nasty tone.

Paw didn?t answer but dipped his nicotine-stained fingers into the au gratin potatoes and tasted the sample from his lengthy and dried fingernail.

?You disgust me,? Missy said.

I think she had been looking for an excuse to fall off the wagon and seized upon Paw?s failure to read Inside Magic and his willingness to use his disgusting, Howard Hughes-like fingers in the potatoes. ?Yes!? she said aloud to the bartender when apparently asked if she should get her regular ready.

?Paw,? I said, ?We have a name the mascot contest already.?

?So break a Q-Tip off in my hairy ear, then. I didn?t know that. What are we going to call him??

The girls had moved on to the bar buffet and the magical stylings of Juanita Drink ? I don?t think that is her real name. She does a great dice stacking routine and a pretty decent Coins Across. Her accent is very thick but she is remarkably beautiful and poised. Like all previous editions of Murph?s Missus, she is a bartender and thus in the right position to take on the mantle of Mrs. Murphy as soon as things with number five were wrapped up.

Pop and I talked with the carver for a little bit before walking over to see Juanita, Missy and Kathleen.

Juanita (1978)

?Juanita thinks we should get a new writer,? Kathleen proudly proclaimed as if this had been her idea and that Juanita?s ability to stack dice, pour a drink and marry a man who had almost poisoned an entire junior high school class made her an expert in web content.

Paw smiled at Juanita and Juanita smiled at Paw. They seemed to know each other from some other venue but neither would let on ? other than to smile.

Paw said without looking up, ?Well, if J.D. says it?s what we should do, we should do it.? Paw then lifted his head and continued to smile his gold and nicotine-themed smile at Juanita.

This had been coming on for a while. Kathleen?s work on the weekend had been reduced to merely finding wire stories about magic and republishing the links on Inside Magic. Missy was on ?vacation? for two 28-day periods and hasn?t really been contributing. Paw writes when he feels like it and he doesn?t feel like it when the Canadian Dollar makes spending day after day in the Casino Windsor such an attractive option to working or contributing. I?ve been the only one writing recently and apparently everyone in the entire Murphy?s Magic Buffet believed that wasn?t adequate.

?Why not have more guest authors or columnists?? Missy asked.

?Sure, why don?t you have your new bunk buddy Rush Limbaugh write something for us?? the ever-catty Kathleen hissed.

?I hope one day you have a problem and need help and people don?t tease you like you?ve teased me,? Missy offered softly ? almost too softly. ?I mean, I know it is unlikely you?ll ever need any kind of help because you?re so perfect but say, for instance, you aren?t able to keep your perfect figure because your fingers no longer reach far enough down your throat to find an active gag-reflex location . . .?

Kathleen shoved Missy with a push that normally would have knocked her over. Missy had been working out apparently during her ?vacation.? She side-stepped the second shove, grabbed the slightly taller and more naturally blond Kathleen by her shoulder-length locks and tried to bang her head on the bar. The edge of the bar is covered with a leather cushion so it wouldn?t have hurt but Juanita acted with the instincts of an old bouncer and had both women separated and protected.

Paw licked the back of his hand and then the back of his other hand. He apparently thought he had put salt on one of the two locations but hadn?t. ?I think that?s a good idea to get people to write stuff for the webpage,? he said as he tore open a Sweet-n-Low packet and poured it on the back of his right hand. ?We should encourage folk to send in trick ideas or columns or stories or whatever.?

?Sure,? said Missy, ?but Mr. Tim won?t publish anything that exposes magic so the trick ideas are out.?

?We could open a magician?s only section,? Paw said as he poured the contents of an Equal packet on the back of his left hand.

We all were watching him and listening to him now. Juanita released her grasp of the two women.

?Pop,? Kathleen said, ?with all due respect, do you ever even look at the website? Or are you too busy smoking Cuban cigars over in Windsor and trying to hit twenty-one in French to do anything??

Pop and Juanita exchanged shy smiles.

?Cuz,? Kathleen continued, ?We tried to set up the Magicians? Only section on the Bulletin Board and that went no where.?

?I?m saying,? Pop started before blowing some of the sugar substitute from the back of his right hand, ?We make a part of the webpage just for magicians that has columns and tricks written by magicians. That will encourage magicians to write and we?ll determine if them articles should be in the magicians? only or the non-magicians? only part.?

?Who?s going to program that?? Missy asked as she downed her first double of Knob Creek straight up with a MGD chaser. She called the combination a ?knobbly knee.? It hadn?t caught on in the underworld of drink names ? yet. ?Hanz or whoever Tim was paying to do the programming was busted on that DVD hack thing and can?t touch a computer. All we have is Mr. Tim and his CGI/Perl for Dummies book.?

I took offense at the last statement but I was so entranced by what Pop was doing that I couldn?t defend my programming skills.

Pop now blew the Equal from the back of his left hand.

?I say Mr. Tim does it,? Paw said slowly as he turned the backs of his fists towards Juanita and smiled.

Written in sugar substitute on the back of his right hand was ?Juanita? and on his left hand was ?Paw.? He smiled shyly and she returned the smile. It was quite a trick. Perhaps it will be one of the first in the Magician?s only section of the website.

I will attempt to save my pride and program the page to have a segregated magicians? section. In the interim, if you have a story, a column, a trick or profile, send it along to me and I?ll get it reviewed and posted. We want to keep the page fresh and we know our readership consists of the most influential magicians from around the globe. I hope you?ll be able to help contribute to the page and thus avoid the need for another editors? meeting anywhere again.

Write to tim@insidemagic.com with your story, ideas, columns or essays. Thanks in advance.