The first email is from a young magician in Shelby, Tennessee:

Tom:

How do you know the news so quickly? How do you find out about some magician doing some walk around restaurant gig in a Denny's in Taipei on alternate Sundays? Do people send you the news or do you comb the web or what?

Signed,

"If this buggy's rocking, call 911. I'm alone in here."

Dear Lonesome Buggy Boy:

First of all, the name is Tim. Second of all, just because some magician hasn't made it to Vegas yet, and is still doing what we do at the Ordinary Magician Stratum, doesn't mean you can make fun of him/her/us/me. I read a poll the other day in MagicData that said, 97.2 percent of all magicians who actually make a living from their work, "are working in restaurants, bars or doing parties." I thought that was a high statistic so I called Irwin Sines at MagicData and he told me it was a real stat. Apparently there is a big drop off in the figures when you go from magicians working for a living by doing magic and magicians doing magic for pay (every once in a while) but not living on the wages.

I learn about the magicians covered here by either combing the Internet or receiving press releases or notes from magicians around the world. The magician you referred to in your email, was actually not doing table-hopping at Denny's in Taipei but was doing Hippity Hop Rabbits that he bought from Denny and Lee's Magic Shop with a toupee. I think you need a new web browser or something. Maybe that's why you got my name wrong.

The second letter is from someone in an unidentified location:

Hi:

Are you embarrassed by what women think of you? Do you wish you could please them even more than they've ever dreamed? Have you given up on being a real man . . .

Dear Unidentified Emailer:

I assume you are either my first or second wife. I doubt you are my common law wife from the former Dutch Republic of Southern Vimgav – as she does not read and write in English.

The third email comes from another unidentified person in an unidentified place:

Dear Tim:

Do you need Vicadin and Viagra but don't want to talk to a doctor? Would you like our doctor to not only prescribe these drugs for you and send them to you by express mail anywhere in the United States? How about a free sample pack of both just for responding?

Signed,

On-Line Pharmacy.com

Dear On-Line:

I can't imagine that you think I would need both Viagra and Vicadin at the same time for any reason other than a really bad (or good) weekend. I don't know that either delivers the type of magic that our site serves up every day. My guess is that this is a mistakenly sent email and even though you got my name right, you meant to send it to some other poor guy – perhaps the intended recipient of the second email – who has pain and despair but is too ashamed to visit his local doctor to discuss the issues.

My father, Li'l Tom Hardy, America's Foremost Psychic Entertainer, used to order his pharmaceuticals by mail from a small doctor in a small town outside of Oslo. He had needs – as he would tell the court later – and found tht many of the regular docs in his town were neither small nor willing to offer him unfettered access to drugs on a yearly basis. I really think it would have been helpful for him to visit a local doc to get the drugs that he and the local doc agreed he needed.

As it turned out, he wasn't ordering narcotics or anything really bad but his teeth were perpetually orange from the knock-off chewable vitamins he received. He tried to work the orange teeth into his act with an adaptation of the Bill in Orange trick where the bill would end up wedged between his incisor and bicuspid. This didn't really take off and it scared children.

The fourth and last email is from a magician in Taipei:

Tim:

What's with the ragging on Taipei Table Hoppers? We're doing our bit just like the rest of the world and it really chesses me off to read about how I'm not supposed to work or get the notireity that only Inside Magic can provide because some weenie in Tennessee thinks that I can't be included with the great magicians that play Vegas.

Also, where can I get Vicadin and Viagra in one easy to swallow capsule? I was trying to improve myself to impress women and hurt myself in a way that is to embarrassing to discuss with a doctor – although I don't mind sharing it with the world if it will get me bookings. I was watching my free PPV television with a secret spy card that allowed me to see all channels everywhere for free and browsing the webcam network to meet sincere single women who happened to want to be on world-wide television while doing daily activities with little or no clothing and who wanted to charge me money to watch them do the daily activities.

In other words, I was just minding my own business and violating the copyrights of channels that were on DirecTV while taking drugs that were supposed to make me something I thought I should be to meet people who would judge me by the same standards as someone who didn't sign their name on an email I received looking to meet my future wife from a population of people that would charge me $29.95 per month (but cheaper if you buy it on a yearly basis) to watch them iron clothes and stuff or sleep.

And then it happened.

My mother always said, "if you slow dance with fire, you'll singe your pants."

That is so true. I've learned my lesson. I want my old self back.

I want to pull myself from the mire of the Internet and return to the land of the living where people actually know my name and hate me, not because of my inadequacies as gleaned apparently from my IP address, but because I deserve to be hated or loved.

I figure if I could get the Vicadin and Viagra capsule, I could pull myself from this horrible mess and get back on the right track.

Can you help?

Signed:

"My Credit Card Needs Viagra Too"

Dear Credit Card Voyeur Freaky Table Hoppy Taipei Boy:

First, I don't think the guy from Shelby, Tennessee was "ragging" on you. You might be paranoid. He was attacking any magician that table hops in Taipei. So draw the circle of interest to something a little bigger than your own ego and let go of it. There must be tons of table hoppers in Taipei working at the Dennys on alternate Sundays – or not.

Anyway, I think Paul McCartney said it best in his song "Medicine Jar" on the Wings Over America Double Live Album: "Hey, you won't get far if you keep on puttin' your head in a medicine jar."

So true.

Drugs are not the answer. They're the question. Why do you need them? Why do you need to impress women you don't know with a credit limit that you shift from card to card? Why on earth would you steal DirecTV if you live in Taipei? You can get the national network that has all of the cool channels anyway – except Show Time West Number Two, but that's overrated. (They are still showing "Jingle All The Way" with Arnold, Tom Arnold and Sinbad every other night).

Men and women want the same thing. They look for honesty, sincerity and caring. They both want openness and vulnerability. They don't look for someone with enough money to pay to watch them sleep or hang up clothes that probably didn't need to be washed anyway.

So the sooner you learn to fake the honesty, sincerity and caring image, the better off you will be. But that takes a ton of acting ability and you won't be able to act vulnerable and caring if you are high on drugs or glued to your webcam.

Honesty, my table hoppin' pal, is not just a good policy; it's something to be imitated and used to find other people who are just as disingenuous and that is what makes the Internet so wonderful. Don't waste your time wasting your time on the Internet by wasting your brain.